: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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