Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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