ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
