I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
