the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
