Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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