I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
