I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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