So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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