I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
