i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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