remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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