She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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