Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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