Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
