My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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