Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
