Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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