Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
