Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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