I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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