i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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