bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i believe in u and ur pee
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize