Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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