While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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