He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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