So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
