Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
