I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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