this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I believe in your delicious
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
