How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
