There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I have tasted many bathrooms
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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