I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
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I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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