where am i from again
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
where are my eyebrows?
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