i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
