my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
it's like heaven, but drunker
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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