ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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