if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
