great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
