I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
