So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
