I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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