if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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