that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
