at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
