from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
