i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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