i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
