We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
