Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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