I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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