I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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