seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
