The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
