I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
