My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
