Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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