Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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