do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
