Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
