there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
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Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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