if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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