Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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