She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
