I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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