4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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