You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
